‘Be quiet and do as you’re told.’
So I did, because that’s how ‘good girls’ behave.
And I carried on doing that for decades because I believed it.
In a perfect world, we would all be loved unconditionally, but in reality, love comes with conditions. From an early age, many of us have been surrounded by messages from the authority figures in our life – our caregivers, parents, teachers and media.
Messages like:
- work hard to be successful
- please others before yourself
- boys don’t cry
- don’t get angry
- don’t show any weakness
- and yes, be quiet and do as you are told
The child whose school report is poor and whose parents react with anger, the girl who is told constantly by her mother how proud she is of how pretty she is, the child whose PE teacher shouts at them for missing a kick. All of these are examples of ways in which children learn what they must do to be valued: to do well at school, to be beautiful, or to be athletic.
How do conditions of worth develop?
What happens when we rely on conditional love is that we develop conditions of worth. They’re like unwritten rules we’ve learned, often from the people around us growing up, about what we need to do or be to feel worthy of love, acceptance, or praise.
- Conditional Love: It’s as if a parent might praise a child only when they get good grades, implying that love is contingent on academic success. This can be even more subtle, like when a child is mocked for crying, learning that showing fear isn’t acceptable if you want to be loved.
- Introjected Values: We internalize or “take in” these messages and standards from others, even if they don’t truly align with who we are or want to be. We start to believe that meeting these expectations is the only way to be valuable and loved.
What is the impact on mental health?
- Feeling Inadequate: When we constantly try to live up to these external expectations, it can create a gap between our true selves and who we feel we should be. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, as if we’re never good enough, regardless of our efforts.
- Anxiety and Depression: This constant striving and fear of not measuring up can contribute to anxiety and depression. The pressure to conform can create chronic stress and emotional insecurity, potentially leading to isolation and loneliness.
- Low Self-Esteem: When our self-worth is tied to fulfilling these conditions, our self-esteem can suffer. We might struggle to accept ourselves, leading to self-doubt and negativity.
How can we overcome conditions of worth?
It’s important to remember that these conditions of worth are learned, and they can be challenged and changed. Here’s how you can start:
- Become aware: Try to identify the specific “rules” you’ve internalized about what makes you worthy. Reflect on your beliefs about what you “should” or “must” do or be to be accepted by others or even yourself.
- Challenge those beliefs: Question whether these expectations are truly your own or if they stem from external pressures. Are these beliefs based on facts or on distortions from your past?
- Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a friend going through similar struggles. Acknowledge that no one is perfect and that’s okay.
- Build an internal source of validation: Instead of seeking approval from others, learn to value yourself based on your own internal sense of worth. Focus on your strengths and achievements, no matter how small.
How can counselling help?
Therapy, especially Person-Centered Counselling, can be incredibly helpful in this process. A therapist can provide a safe and supportive space to explore these conditions of worth without judgment. They can help you:
- Identify the origins: Where did these beliefs came from and how have they impacted you?
- Challenge negative patterns: Learn techniques to challenge and reframe your negative thoughts and beliefs.
- Develop self-acceptance and resilience: Build self-compassion, learn to accept your flaws and imperfections, and develop a stronger sense of self.
It takes time, but by recognizing and challenging these limiting beliefs and embracing your true self, you can create a healthier and more fulfilling life, reduce the grip of mental health challenges and improve your overall well-being.